Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
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The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job