When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
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I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
You had me at “define legal”.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
When a shoelace touches your ankle
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”