SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
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Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet