“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
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my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I hope Alan is OK
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.