Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
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Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”