the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
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911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?