I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
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gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
That’s enough internet for the day
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.