What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
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Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me: