Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
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Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.