ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
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No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Eat…
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.