An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
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My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers