[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
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I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.