*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
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me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Netflix and you sit over there.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.