If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
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ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Going to church you guys need anything
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.