Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
You Might Also Like
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?