Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
You Might Also Like
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.