Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
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last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something