So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
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cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Simple enough.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
They’re not wrong
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME