Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
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Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
best first i’ve ever seen
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home