me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
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“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
buys donuts instead
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.