[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
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Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.