I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
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My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Happy birthday to all the women
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.