Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
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Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
do what now??
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
this country is so goddamn polarized
selena gomez
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
want me to check your oil?
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Twitter fine art
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now