It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
You Might Also Like
Lunatics are gonna loon.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Me trying to “trust the process”
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?