I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
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The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.