Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
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Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Good morning, Twitter 😊
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…