People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
You Might Also Like
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”