Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
You Might Also Like
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.