Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
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Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Super Hand Dog Face
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Well, this explains it:
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude