Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
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If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.