*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
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uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.