Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
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-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
new wife guy just dropped
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space