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Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
It’s actually Dr. whatever
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary