There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
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Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
My flabber has been gasted.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.