No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
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Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Twitter fine art
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.