“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
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Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Always…
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
This made me chuckle.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
A game married people play.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.