why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
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Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.