Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
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I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Said the murderer.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons