GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
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Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion