Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
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i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”