just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
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[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I have obtained a hat
Admin smashed it 😂
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.