My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
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If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?