ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
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My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I feel attacked.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?