Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
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I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down