Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
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What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god