Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
You Might Also Like
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
HR said no more nunchucks.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
That’s no pocket rocket.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??