There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
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“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them