[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
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The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”