Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
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welp
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Is….Is this an option?
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂