Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
You Might Also Like
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Can’t. Being lazy.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
#math
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog